The Joy of Prostitution

Catchy title. I think I'll keep that one!

But this is about writing for a living.

I was talking to a writer the other day who was in the classic dilemma. He'd agreed to adapt a book. Pitched his take on it which was loved. A paranoid thriller vibe. He writes a treatment. The deal is done, finance in place. Pretty serious bucks.

Then he gets a call from his producer. ''So and So star whom we want has read the book and wants it to be more faithful to it so can you take out the paranoid thriller aspect?'

Huh?

Well he could, but by doing so he'd be left with a metaphsical rambling down a remote Italian river where not much happens.

The only reason he agreed to write the script was because he could make it so much more.

So what's a girl to do? Legs in the air and take the money? I guess that depends if you have a buck for a cup of coffee or not. This particular writer is on a hot streak so the decision maybe isn't as hard.

But it still is.

That is a mighty cheque to kiss off, especially - as is normally the case for most writers - any of the other six irons you have in the fire can vanish like blood, grease and ink in a soap powder advert.

More power to him. He kissed it off. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you SHOULD do this. I guess I'm saying that in my opinion if you are in a position to do this then it is better for your writer's soul to do it.

Good writing comes from the gut. If someone has just ripped the guts out of the reason why you wanted to write the piece in the first place then even the most seasoned whore is going to take a look at that gnarled dick now staring at them and say 'No thanks'

Shortly after that conversation I'm in a cab heading for the airport and home when my agents ring. A prodco had been in touch asking if I'd be interested in writing for one of their shows.

I didn't like the show that much [seen half an ep] and hadn't heard great things about the prodco. I hummed and hawed. My agents being long in the tooth latched on to this immediately and made the right 'not a great career step, not good to work for noises'

Emboldened by my 'screw those bastards' earlier conversation with said writer, I said ' Tell them 'No thanks.'

They did.

In the plane I kicked myself all the way home.



But I slept pretty good that night.

When you start off, any work is good work. Ask Renny Harlin about 'Nightmare on Elm Street 4'

But the time comes when you have to become a courtesan more than a street walker if you want to progress as a writer.

Newsnight Review

Anyone else catch this? They were reviewing ''Sorted''

It got pretty much slaughtered apart from PD James who said it wasn't brilliant but it would do alright.

But I think the point several of us were making here was that ''it will do alright'' is not acceptable when it is just about every show that's on. I want Brilliant. I want ''must see'' TV. And I don't think that is asking too much.

I don't know Danny Brocklehurst from a hole in the head except that he is in the Paul Abbot fold. I've no doubt he's a really nice guy. I've no doubt he's a very good writer. But the Paul Abbot fold and Andrew Davis fold and Tony Jordan fold are all in a very powerful position.

They account for much of the drama we see on TV. So why not use that power to force the execs to quit aiming for the middle of the road. I don't mind the odd kitchen sink drama and plodding cop shows but enough is enough.

Pitch Black

At least it started that way!

So I had my postponed meeting with S at major prodco. It didn't start off all that well. First of all it is hot as hell in Sunny London and my old bus don't got no A/C. I left my house in plenty of time only to get held up by some frickin roade census so by the time I got there I had about 5 minutes to spare.
Couldn't find anywhere to park nearby so ended up sprinting. So I'm there, dripping sweat and waiting to be buzzed in when a girl appears from off the dstreet and lets me in. I thank her politely then follow her up the stairs without saying a word as nI go to reception.

You've guessed it. An assistant shows me in to an office, and there's the girl who let me in. It was S but I hadn't recognised her. Hell it's been 10 years.
We had a bit of a laugh and she said we've changed a lot. I don't know what possesed me but I quipped 'Yep, fatter and greyer, but enough about you'!

Sometimes I think I should just cut my tongue out and be done with it.

Breezes were shot. Ten years caught up on. I told her about my LA adventures, heavilly censored of course. She told me of the various shows, jobs and projects she'd been involved in. Many many many.

I was gearing up to pitch my high concept cop drama when she said. I like your high concept cop drama.

Blow me down. I didn't even know she'd seen it.

Then came the question I was dreading. ' Is it just the treament or do you have a script?'

The reasin I was dreading it was because at that point I had to decide to tell her if there was a script or not. There is. But here's the thing. If they like the treatment they will option that and the chances are you will get paid to write the script. If you say there is a script they'll try and option the whole package for the price of the treatment.

In that case you'd be crazy to say there is a script?

Not necessarily.

Believe it or not Cop shows are a hard sell. The networks are awash with them. If you want to try and get one away you have to show how it is different from the herd. The best tool for doing that is the script.

So I said yes there is a script.

She asked if many had seen the project.
This is where you say no, but it's going out wide this week.

In this case it is but there's no harm in saying it anyway. I guarantee you'll be read quicker.

So......I've just emailed it over to her.

I'll keep you posted!

USA v GB

I don't think I'm alone in preferring to watch American drama shows rather than British. With the odd exceptions of perhaps Spooks, Hustle and Shameless, the rest leave me pretty cold.

I'm wondering if this is just a matter of my personal taste or are the networks indeed churning out mindless middle of the road pap at an alarming rate. Opinions would be appreciated.

Take 'Life on Mars' for instance. The TV execs are creaming themselves about this show. I know, I've heard them.

Me? I thought it was meh? Interesting concept, nice juxtaposition between the seventies and the naughties. But to me the individual episodes were weak on actually having an interesting story. I lasted two and half episodes.

I don't mean to slag off the writers. God knows it is difficult enough to get anything on TV past the never ending committees of taste arbiters. But it worries me that some execs are going about like this was the best show since ......the last one that didn't bomb.

I've recently seen trailers for a new show called 'SORTED' a drama series about postmen.

Yep. Postmen.

I can almost see them now, going through the check list of situations where a diverse group of people can be brought together


Cops - been done
Firemen - been done
Hospital - been done
Coastguard - been done [ it has, remember Harbour Lights? No?]
Factory - been done
Boatyard - been done
Postal sorting office --------BINGO
Bingo - been done


I know nothing about the show. I may even give it a try. But I doubt it. I may not have the busiest life in the world but I'm pretty sure I can be busy enough not to wait in to see a drama series about postmen. No offence to postmen.

Where are the shows like 'The Avengers' 'The Saint' ' The Professionals' ' The Duchess of Duke Street' ' Secret Army' Auf Weidersein Pet' [Yes I know that was a drama series about Brickies but it had the intriguing fish out of water twist]

I feel like Peter Finch in 'Network' ''I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it and stick your head out and yell ' I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more'!

The USA seem to be able to deliver shows like Lost, 24, The West Wing, The Shield, CSI, Law and Order, Missing, Desperate Housewives and Num3ers, almost at will.

Yes they produce a lot of crap too, but not in primetime.

I recently read about the head of ITV berating the advertisers for playing hardball on the money they pay. The cost of an advertising slot is linked to a formula dependent on ratings. So.... uhhhhmmmm....rather than moaning about the amount of money the advertisers are paying how about making some decent programmes? That will improve the ratings and guess what.....the advertisers will have to pay more money as per the formula.

Duh?

Jimmy McGovern recently said you could guarantee that an ITV drama slot at 9 pm would be shit so you wouldn't even bother looking. That's one of the most respected writers in the business.

Judging by the current crop of BBC dramas I think we're talkng about the relative smells of fecal matter.

I've got a high concept idea out there right now. I've even written the pilot. Of course I'm not telling them I've written the pilot because the cheap bastards will then try to option the package including script for the same price as the bible and storylines.

Chances of success for the project? Slim.

Will I keep trying to get these kind of things made? Fuck yeah!
Because I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more!

The Money Meeting

These are the best meetings in the business because they are the only ones where you know you are going to get paid! The commissioning meeting.

The meeting takes a different form depending on what show you are writing for. The important point is that the hard work has been done. You are in.

Except the hard work is just beginning because if you don't produce a good script you are just as quickly out.

I've worked an several shows and they all use the meeting in different ways. I've even worked on a show where there was no meeting. You got a phone call telling you were being commissioned followed by an e-mail of the storylines. You e-mailed the script in a week later and got a call from the script editor who gave you your 2nd draft notes over the phone .

I wrote maybe fifteen episodes of that show and never once met anyone who actually worked on it!

That isn't the norm though.

The Bill for instance. You get the phone call followed by the story documents of the serial element of the block of episodes. One of which is yours. You are expected to read all the story documents for every episode.

You tip up at the meeting, maybe a week or so later. Present will be the Exec producer, producers, story liners, script editors and supervisors , police procedure advisors, and the writers commissioned on the block. That's maybe twenty five or so people all together.

The writers take it in turns running through their serial elements and might raise some crime story ideas in very rough fashion. The idea of the meeting is to make sure the writer knows when, where and how the serial element for the block and their episode is going to work.

You are then given a week to come up with the crime stories for your episode. That seems like a long time. But bear in mind that coming up with a crime story that A] Hasn't been done, B] Is interesting enough to last the episode and C] Would be great if they tied in somehow with the serial elements, - is actually the most difficult part of the process.

Casualty works in a similar way although it is obviously medical stories rather than crime stories.

Another show I write for you are actually given the scene by scenes for the episodes the night before the meeting. Being given scene by scenes isn't all that usual. The commissioning meeting in this case is basically about the writers making sure they understand the motivations behind the scenes and making suggestions for story improvements or restructuring.

For short form Drama, i.e less than 12 episodes you will generally find that you are given a couple of pages of story documents and told to get on with it. The fact you have been hired in the first place means you're trusted to structure it as you think fit. Unless you're working for 'Shed Productions'

Did I say that out loud?

Best practice in a commissioning meeting? Do not slag anything off. Couch criticisms in terms of ' I had a thought about maybe doing it this way with so and so doing that'
Do not say 'That's bollock's' unless absolutely necessary.

A Day In The Life......

...of an insecure writer.

Is there any other kind?

So I'm up at 4 a.m for an early flight to a commission meeting. I'm thinking to myself, man if they really valued me they'd fly me up the night before and swing for a hotel.

Then I think, hell, the fact they're swinging for a flight must mean they value you.

Or do they? Are they just doing the least they can get away with.........

Aaaaaargh!

On the plane I dig out the 80 or so story pages I'd been sent at 6pm the night before and didn't look at because I was watching football.

They were commissioning 8 episodes in two seperate meetings. I was in the second meeting and the way the flight had been arranged I knew I had a couple of hours sitting in the canteen before my meeting to give the pages a going over.

But if they really valued me why didn't they arrange the flight so that I didn't have to get up at a godforsaken time just to suit their driver's schedule so I could be picked up at the airport?


Arrrrrrrgh!

So I arrive and meet and greet some faces. Three of the writers for the first meeting are there. Big hugs from storyliners, script editors, producers etc. The female ones that is. Apart from one who hugs everyone except me. What have I done?


Arrrrrrrgh!

I'm chatting to one of the other writers. Let's call hm X.

X tells me he has just been commissioned on a new show. I congratulate him. I hadn't heard of the show but that means nothing as my ear is so far removed from what is going on that it is a speck on the horizon.

Then I think, hang on, maybe I hadn't heard of it but my agents damn well should have, and I don't recall them saying they's put me up for it. Why not? Had they put other writers up and not me? What was going on?


Arrrghhh!

I'm on my own in the canteen reading the material for the meeting and a writer/director I know comes in. We chat. We bemoan the state of TV drama. He says what he'd really like to see and I tell him about a new project I'm working on which is exactly that kind of thing.

After he goes I think, did I say too much? Did I give something away there? It is a good concept and highly snitchable at the moment.

Arrrrrrrgh!

I phoned my agents. Partly to enquire about this new show I hadn't heard about and partly to see if they had read the new spec I sent them a week ago. I chose this agency because they don't represent a massive roster of writers. So I figured the personal attention would be better.

I was told both my agents were out of the office.

Were they? Or were they just avoiding my call because they didn't want to say they hadn't read my script yet? Or worse, had read it and thought it was crap?

Arrrrrrgh!

The commission meeting was the easy part of the day.

So I'm in the airport a few hours later and my agent's ring. I shoot the breeze then enquire about the new show X is writing for.

'Ah, that's prodco Y and they only use writers off Z shows.

'But X isn't off any Z shows' I respond.

'Ah but he wrote P for Q who is great friends of K''

'Well can you send something anyway?'

'Yes but prodco Y takes forever to respond'

'Maybe, but if you'd sent them something 3 months ago that would be forever minus three months'

'Yes that's true. I'll send something. I read your script by the way. I enjoyed it. It's in good shape for a first draft'

And I'm thinking, enjoyed, good shape? You didn't love it then? It wasn't fabulous?

But I say, any major notes?

' No, like I say it's in pretty good shape, but I want partner M to have a look at it before we get back to you'

'Okay, when will that be?

'Oh before the end of the week. By the way J at prodco B still wants to meet you and we know she is keen on your new project. Trouble is she is in now filming in Ireland until late September. I'm not sure we want to send it to anyone else at prodco B in case we step on her toes.

'Ummmmmm, fuck her toes.' I think, but say ..... 'Actually, technically C at prodco B was the contact before J arrived there so why not tell J that as she is busy for the next 3 months would she mind if we sent it to C who was our contact there before she arrived?'

'Good idea'

Nothing to do with insecurity here. Just.........Arrrrrrgh!

Except, why did I have to think of that? Isn't that their job? Have they got other writers they are doing much more for? Has he even actually read my script and this wooley response and waiting for the partner to read is just and excuse?


Arrrrrrgh!

It's only because things happen that I'm paranoid.

The Rules Regarding Rules

I see a lot of arguments on writers message boards surrounding the 'rules of screenwriting'

It seems to me most of the arguments come from those who insist there are no rules and even if there were they should be broken.

Me, I don't think there are any rules. And break them at your peril.

What you have are conventions. A more or less 3 act structure, an empathetic protagonist, you know the kind of thing. Not handed down in tablet form by Moses. But something that has pretty much stood the test of time.

That's not to say there isn't any wiggle room.

But consider the fact that you may be a new, unproduced writer. Then consider the number of scripts a harrassed reader has to get through.

The truth of the matter is that unless your first twenty pages leaps up and grabs him by the throat, you are on borrowed time as it is. If the pro reader doesn't see your protag by then and your inciting incident isn't even on the horizon then the chances are your script will be confined to the big circular locker.

Readers aren't there to do you any favours. They are there to find scripts that their bosses might want to make.

You may like a long introduction to give meaning to your story which actually kicks in on page 55, but the reader and his bosses will not.

Of course there are arguments that 'I'm not writing mainstream, I'm writing Indie.'

Well that's fine - apart from the fact that most indies that actually get any kind of distribution follow the same basic structure as mainstream. And take a guess how many Indies were produced and couldn't get a release? Hundreds in the UK alone.

And there are the Tarantino and Nolan arguments - except I would counter argue that Pulp Fiction and Memento were basically mainstream structure but with story points out of sequence.

If you are a hugely succesful writer then you may be able to get something bought or made that differs wildly from what is percieved as conventional dramaturgical structure.

If you are not, and want to be - I'd begin by building a fan base. That means getting your work seen by decision makers. To do that they have to see something they think they can make that will put bums on seats.

Never, ever forget that this is a business. A very creative business, but still a business. And that extends to you as a writer. If you don't write what people want to see then why bother? That doesn't mean it has to be crass explosions and gratuitious sex, but it does have to be a good story well told. Certainly not some unstructured, navel gazing, masterbatory 'My Life' opus.

Having said that, as far as reading scripts and watching movies is concerned I'm just a 'begining, middle and end' kinda guy. If what is in that begining , middle and end is entertaining, well written, engaging, exciting and perhaps thought provoking, then pretty much anything goes. I'll be happy.

The hard bit is making that begining, middle and end all those things. A lot of that is to do with how you structure your story.

Not that there are any actual rules - ahem.

Blast From The Past

So yesterday I finished the first draft of my first spec script in probably three years. Man that felt good. As anyone viewing my posts on DD last night can probably tell I celebrated the achievement a little too much than was good for me. But hey, when you've being doing nothing but write other people's projects for 3 years I think I can cut myself some slack.

The problem was I forgot at the time I had a meeting today. Or rather didn't remember until I was too drunk to worry about it.

The meeting was with the H.O.D of a big prodco. Lets call her S, and she was the first person I ever had a meeting with in this Biz. That was maybe 10 years ago. I haven't seen her since but she claims, with some justification that she was the one who started my career.

I had written a couple of movie scripts, got an agent on the back of those and they had gone out to a few people. At the time S was with another prodco. One of their freelance readers had read my script for another company but mentioned me to S. I was like a kid at Christmas when my agents called to say she wanted to meet.

I was also as green as grass. I had no idea what these 'meetings' entailed, how I was supposed to act. Hell I didn't even know very much about writing. I had read precicesly one book on screenwriting and didn't know a MDQ from a duck's arse.

So I turned up. She was charming. Of course they had no interest in my movie scripts but were looking for TV ideas, and did I have any? I didn't even know enough to have thought that was a question they might ask. So.......no was the answer. But I would think about it.

And I did. I came up with an idea. Phoned her. She loved it. But of course me being a completely new writer she really needed a script to show her boss. Could I knock something up?

I was full of piss and vinegar then so I did. Wrote an hour long pilot over a weekend. She loved it and passed it to her boss.

I waited. 3 days I think. Then phoned. Any news? Ummmmmm.......no, it's only been like 3 days. Ah okay. I waited another week. Then phoned. Any news. Ummmmm........no it's only been like 10 days. Look I'll phone you when he's read it okay?

So about another week later and I'm actually at the Wimbledon Tennis Championships [see how this is etched on my mind] when my phone rings. It's S. I can tell from the tone in her voice that a downpayment on a porche would not be appropriate. Her boss loved the writing but couldn't get on board with the concept. Sorry.

I made hopefully cheerful sounding 'Oh well, another time' noises, but I was gutted. I thought that having an exec 'love' your work was your passport to fortune and glory. The rug had been well and truly pulled from under me.

Jeez wasI green.

Anyhow, exec musical chairs is the name of the game and S swiftly moved to another prodco. I haven't seen her since.

But......that script? The one I wrote over a weekend. Well it got me just about every job I've ever had. So I guess she did start my career.

Cut to this morning and I wake up with a mouth like a wrestler's jock-strap. This meeting had been arranged through my agents about a month ago, so I gingerly double checked to make sure it was today.
Yup, 'fraid so.

Now, pitching with a hangover is not really the way to go. But hey, S was really keen to see me, she'd always been a big fan, she loved my work and was looking forward to hearing about my projects.....blah, blah, blah. And truth be told I was quite looking forward to touching base with her and catching up on the last ten years.

So I had my bi-weekly shave, put on a fresh shirt, bought some really minty chewing gum and headed off.

Nice offices. Nice receptionist. No S

She had forgotten to put my meeting in her diary and gone off to another one.

Dopey Cow. Real keen to see me!!!!!!

But there you go. I waited 10 years, I guess I can wait a couple more weeks.

Back To The Loop

I rarely get any industry related mail apart from the gratifying agents statements telling me I can have red meat at the weekend. So imagine my surprise when I get TWO letters in the same post, both marked ITV.

Now, I generally look on any mail that doesn't carry my agent's familiar font as most likely being a demand for money. And usually I'm not disappointed. But I was pretty damn sure I didn't owe ITV any money, so what the hell, I may as well open them.

Letter number one - a pass on a project I'd actually forgotten I'd pitched. It was a well reasoned, long and thoughtful pass. And as the vast majority of responses to a pitch are passes it is always nice to get the thoughtful, reasoned ones rather than the ' Just didn't grab me - Not for us - Slate full at the minute - Piss off and never darken our mailbox again' variations.

Letter number 2 - An invite to a network's 'Writer's party' Wahoooooo! An invite to get well fed, drink, flirt outrageously and possibly even get lucky on someone elses dime! Okay it involves a schlepp to Manchester but hey, I'd do that for any one out of the four above.

Except that won't be why I'm going. Well......not the only reasons why I'm going.

Last year this same network optioned one of my projects. I mean paid cold hard cash. Did I get an invite to a writers party? Did I buggery. So now I've got the chance I'm going to take it. because me sclepping from London shows I like these guys and want to work with them. They have some idea of that because I didn't get all ansty when the project they optioned stalled, through no fault of mine. And that I've pitched them two or three projects since.

But the whole point is that deep down, unless you are a total social retard you just cant beat personal contact. Your writing may open doors, but I think that personal contact helps keep them open.

For example a producer has two writers in mind for a project, both write equally well. The first writer he has read. Maybe exchanged e-mails. Maybe even met once at a pitch meeting. But the other writer he has met in more informal circumstances , shared a beer and a joke with, knows they are on the same wavelength.
If you were that producer who would you pick for the project?

So that's why I'm going. And I might get lucky. Having recently seperated I haven't had sex in so long I've forgotten who handcuffs who.

Corporate Stupidity Rant

Now I may be wrong on the detail here because I've only just heard about it, but even if the BBC are thinking about the following then it is a victory for creative stifiling bureaucrats.

What are they going to do? Do their entire drama commisioning for the year in January.

Now that may be great for the accountants to do their budgeting. But what about the writer who comes up with a concept that is better than anything they have just commissioned but he does it in February?

Is he going to hang around until next January? You bet he fucking isn't. He's going to pitch it to the other networks. And so are all the other writers up to December.

Result - The other networks get first pick of the best projects and the BBC are left with the scraps.

Sheer, unadultarated fucking madness thought up by highly paid mandarins who haven't a fucking clue about the creative process.

It might be seeping through in the subtext that I'm a little upset by this prospect? Hopefully someone will see sense.

It seems to me the BBC is in turmoil. John Birch had about as much creatitivity as the bubbles in a can of coke. He was brought in as a money man and carved a swathe of fear through Auntie Beeb. Greg Dyke was a short lived godsend and the Beeb was on the road to recovery before he fell on his sword over Iraq.

Now this?

There has to be a happy balance between commerce and creativity. This is a sign that the scales are tipping the wrong way.

Rant over.

Normal service will be resumed after I go out and kill and accountant.

Keep Your Mouth Shut!

No not you. Me.

I had a meeting a few days ago with a Dev. Exec for the BBC. Her boss also happens to Exec a show I write for. Lovely girl, we got on like a house on fire. The meeting was in BAFTA and the first question she asks is 'what would you like to drink?' That's pretty much guaranteed to get her on my Christmas card list.

As always the breeze was shot for a few minutes, life, the weather, penis envy, the usual. We moved on to the current state of BBC drama, which in general has me reaching for a bucket.

As I was still on my first pint I had enough sense to be non committal. A nod to the fact that most of the shows I bother to watch are American, but nothing derogatory.

I learned my lesson early when I attended a screening of a director acquaintance's first cut of a movie. The cgi hadn't been added or the soundtrack. When it finished my first words to him were 'you're going to have a few sleepless nights after this'

I saw his face fall. It was only later I realised my well meant comment about getting the film ready for the premier was taken as ' that was crap'.

In truth it wasn't all that good and maybe that seeped out subconciously. But from then on I said to myself ' when dealing with 'Industry' types say nothing remotely controversial - ever!.


Anyways back to the meeting. I'm on my second pint and I'm pitching like the chief pitcher of the gold medal pitchers in the pitching Olympics. Eloquent, passionate, Jeez it even made sense to me.

I was very convincing. She even said that. 'You're very convincing' she said. I liked that. Until I thought ' does she mean I've never heard such utter crap delivered so convincingly since Chamberlain waved that bit of paper shouting Peace In Our Time!

Maybe. I'll find out in a couple of weeks. But that isn't the point of the post!

On my third pint she started asking about the show I write for that her boss has just become exec producer for. What do I think of this? What do I think of that?

Now, bearing in mind my history of faux pas and the fact I am no callow youth bought over with a few pints and a winning smile I was fully aware that the smart thing to do was nod, say yes and divulge nothing. And that's what I did. Apart from SING LIKE A FUCKING CANARY.

I can't keep my mouth shut. It is a curse. I'd like to think what I said was constructive and helpful and supportive. But truth be told I don't remember. I was still too busy thinking of ways to ram home the two projects I'd been pitching.

The moral of the tale is that film and TV is a very small world and the most innocent comment can come back to haunt you. Be very careful what you say. It's a bit like chatting up a girl in a pub. One false note and much previous effort has been wasted. Unless you have roofies. And that really doesn't get a script bought.

I've got another meeting next week. It's with a guy who has just started work for a major star's prodco. He's raving about a script of mine my agent's sent him. In fact the letter to my agents was so glowing they sent me a copy!

You know what? He read that same script about 5 years ago when I was with another agent. Heard nothing much back except a standard ' not really for me'

Will I remind him of this? Absoloutely not!!!!

Tattood to my forehead. Keep Your Mouth Shut.

The Politics Of Writing

This is about writing for episodic TV, but there may be something here for the spec writer also.

In the U.K, where we don't really have 'team writers' and 'show runners' you will generally work to a script editor.

All script editors want to be producrers. That is a fact [ Unless they can become writers, which most can't]

In order to become producers they have to impress the executive producer. The executive producer [and producers] don't want the script editor coming to them with problems. They want the script editor coming to them saying ' this doesn't work but I've spoken to the writer and we can do this, this and this instead.' Time really is money as far as execs are concerned.

Very few people in the industry apart from writers actually understand the writing process. They know what they like and what they don't like. And as they are paying for it, what they like is pretty important.

But what 'they like' is one of the reasons you were hired in the first place. So pick your battles. Everyone in the chain has a different agenda. The succesful writer gives everyone what they want while still retaining his/her individual voice and passion for doing it in the first place.

It doesn't matter how many books you've read or which film school you attended, you have to remember that although you are writing in isolation, the end product has to be like a 'one size' pair of nylons as far as the organisation paying you is concerned.


Spec writers will find something similar. When your opus is optioned, that is just the beginning of the process. There will be many re-writes. Not tweaks or polishes, re-writes. It's the nature of the business. If you seriously want people to invest the cost of a hospital in your story then you seriously need to consider what they have to say.

Write Like You Mean It

I've had a run of bad luck over the last year. It started last summer when my step daughter had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a secure hospital for a month. Worrying times, especially the first week or two when she was like a total stranger.

I had a script to write bang in the middle of it. I actually looked forward to the time I had to sit down alone and write it. It was like an escape from the pressure. I sent it in and guess what? The notes came back that basically it was whale turd. In fact it was a whales' communal toilet.

See, no matter what I thought at the time, I clearly lacked focus. Yes I escaped some external pressures by doing it, or rather maybe cranked them down a couple of notches, but the clarity and focus that good writing requires just wasn't there. And there is a very thin line between acceptable and non-acceptable as far as pro writing is concerned. A couple more like that and I might be searching for alternative employment.

Since then, my father in law has developed Dementia and had to be put in a home, my Grandmother whom I was close to died and a few weeks ago my wife informed me she wanted to seperate.
Lucky white heather anyone?

At each of those times I've also had to deliver scripts. They were probably some of the better ones I've written. Because I learned my lesson. If you can't write like you mean it then don't. If you can 't banish everything else from your mind for those hours at the keyboard then go do something else for a few hours, or even days if you can spare them. Focus and clarity. Without that the chances are you'll be writing drivel anyway.

Out of character

So you've got your bones of a story. The boxes are ticked, inciting incident, good act breaks, nice reversal, exciting and fulfilling climax. Yoohooooooo. Now all you need to do is create the characters who will project the story in the best possible way. Then you've cracked it.

Well not quite. Then you have to write those characters and give them believable voices and actions and motivations.

I've seen several 'plug-in' character questionaires aids doing the rounds. You know the kind of thing. What colour of socks does he like? Does he have cereal or toast for breakfast? Does he love his mother?

Can't be bothered with all that. Here's why. In real life things happen one after another. In screenplays they happen because of each other. So unless the story is moved on by the fact that he's wearing the wrong colour of socks, develops a wheat allergy and his mother dies, then who the hell cares?

In my view, character and story are interwined. Jimmy Stewart, a cop with vertigo? Interesting character. But unless the vertigo is integral to the story, then it is a frippary.

Of course I'm not saying you shouldn't 'know' your characters. But to me that doesn't mean knowing which side of his face he shaves first. It means knowing what he'd think, say or do in the situations afforded by the story to make that story as smooth, satisfying and believable as possible.

And that's how I approach developing characters. What is it about them that makes them an ideal protagonist, antagonist, foil, buddy or love interest for the story? What quirk or personality can they have that provides a neat, organic plot point? What do they want and why, and how does the story create conflict with this?

It is symbiotic relationship. Character and story/story and character.

Blowing In The Wind

Okay, so I had those two meetings I mentioned earier. Agent and Major Prodco. They were everything I'd hoped for. No one shot me.

My agents made nice noises while at the same time secretly calculating how much commission my dropping a show was going to cost them. I would guess something like half a secretary. Major Prodco greeted me with the time honoured ' of course our development slate is full right now' before my arse even hit the chair.

Kinda makes you think the meeting is slightly redundant from that point on. But no - this is where you swing into gear. I pitched like a baseball player with tourettes. I was coming at them from all angles.

I recently had a meeting with a head of development at a network. She loved one of my projects but was wavering on the premise. Major prodco had also read it and liked it . I knew HOD knew Major prodco, they had done a couple of things together. So I dropped names and got the two in contact.

I'd also made up something on the way to the meeting and pitched this out of desperation when my other three pitches were as welcomed as a fart in an elevator.

Desperate pitch pushed the buttons. I've just finished writing it up the pitch document and emailed it over. [I also mailed it to three other prodcos's telling them they were getting a sneak peek, well they are kinda - my agent won't be sending it out til tomorrow!]

Gotta work it baby!

Now, the chances of anything happening with it are slim to nil, but that isn't the point. I like it. I'm pretty sure the passion came out in the pitch document so at the very least it keeps me in the loop. And you need to be in the loop. Boy do you need to be in the loop. Time passes quicker than you think.

I had a meeting recently with another major prodco on a possible writing gig. They had also asked me in some time back to possibly write for a different show they'd just had commissioned. That previous one didn't work out as the creator decided he wanted to write all the Eps himself. Anyway - it was the same producer at the recent meeting. Hi says I, we met about six months ago on XXXXXXXX. 'Ahhh, that was 2 years ago' he said.

Yep, it was. But in my mind, the last time I was dealing with original material was six months ago .........surely? Clearly the constant deadline schedule had warped my sense of time.

So, no regrets about dropping a show. [finances excluded] Gotta stay in the loop. The reason you get paid around double for original drama versus episodic TV is the reason you became a writer in the first place. IDEAS, WELL EXECUTED, WITH PASSION.

Act 2

I was talking to another writer the other day and he was lamenting the fact he had ground to a halt on his screenplay. I said 'Ah, page 60' and he laughed ironically. The page 60 blues. You get to the middle of the second act and realise it just isn't happening. You are lost. Frantically searching for the way to page 90, the third act and sanctuary.

Now maybe this is because you didn't outline your story, more likely it is because you did but fell in love with the premise and characters so much that you looked the other way when the 2nd Act gremlins were trying to attract your attention.

I've done it myself. I've got this great set up, I tell myself. That's a great act three finale. Act 2, meh I'll skill it when I get there. Ummmmmm, therein lies the road to heartache.

Absolutely no question, act 2 is the writer slayer. Act 1 is all about set up. Act 3 your resolution. Easy, like shelling peas. Act 2 is why you are writing screenplays and not knock knock jokes. It is the place where you make or break your bones as a writer.

So what do I do? I cheat. I don't have three acts I have four. I count my second act mid point as an act break.

So now I have .....

Act 1 - My engaging set up

Act 2 - The logical progression of the story indicated in the set up with interesting obstacles to that progression.

Act 3 - Reversal/major shift of any plans/fortune/chosen path as per set up - heading for........

Act 4 - Resolution


This way I cut the beast down to size. I don't see a sixty page second act stretching before me. I see bite sized chunks. Like anything else, your mileage may vary, but it works for me.

Me Time

One of the downsides about writing for episodic TV is you get used to the money.

Piss off you smarmy bastard


Jeez I heard that from here, but no I'm serious. I write for two shows at the moment and for about the couple of years I literally have had no time to do anything I actually wanted. A new spec? Forget it. A treatment? Maybe, if I can squeeze it over a weekend and actually feel like facing the keyboard.

I think any writer ultimately wants to work on their own projects. That's where the real passion lies and that's why I got into this game. But with the cost of living in London, even apart from Ken and his congestion charges, it's pretty hard to say no when the phone rings.

So, if I want time for me, I can either move to the Outer Hebrides [not an option, Mrs English gets withdrawal symptoms over fifty miles from a M&S food court] Or turn down work.

Guess it's the latter. Which is what I have just done. I've made the decision to only work one show and use the time to write my first spec in a couple of years.

Mrs English is putting on a brave face, bless her, though it puts the half term holiday in severe jeapordy and the school fees are due in a couple of months. It's just something I have to do. Chances are the spec will come to naught. But that isn't the point for me.

Writers have an urge to create a world. Keeping someone elses ticking over, like episodic TV, has it's attractions but creation is the key switch in the writers hard wiring. That I think is what drives writers, against all the odds, to continue doing what they do. Why some aspiring pro writers do a gruelling nine to five day job then sit for three or four hours in front of the keyboard pounding out stories. Why some professional writers put their heart and soul into a spec to have it rejected by every producer in town, already knowing that is the probable outcome.

We're a crazy breed. And the world would be a much poorer place without us.

How long is a piece of script?

Or - can you be taught screenwriting?

Well I think that is a two part question. The basics? Absolutely you can be taught format and structure, there are many good books on those subjects. Can you be taught story? According to Robert McKee you can and who am I to argue?

But can you be taught how to make characters live and breathe on the page? To make an audience care? To have a voice that sings out to the reader. That I'm not so sure about.

My sister is a fantastic guitar player. It seems effortless to her. Me, I can scratch a few chords, but no matter how hard I practice I doubt if I will ever be as good as her. She has an affinity to it that I just don't have. A natural gift.

Writing and music have many similarities. When it all comes together it has the power to really move people. But I suspect many songwriters have no idea where their inspiration comes from or why they put the bridge and verse and chorus that way in that key, at that tempo. It just felt right.

Truth be told, I have no real idea how I do what I do or why people pay me for it. I'd make the lousiest teacher in the world. Hands would be raised, questions asked and my ''uummm I don't really know, I just do it' would leave a number of pissed off students demanding their money back.

The nearest I can get to a sensible answer is that maybe my 'it feels right' is pretty close what is actually right. Maybe I have an affinity for it like my sister has for the guitar.

A famous writer when asked what it was about her writing that made her succesful answered ' you don't dig up a flower to see how it grows'

I don't think she was saying you don't look at your work objectively and pull it apart when neccessary. She meant that 'success' simply means you have talent which is being appreciated. Talent is an imponderable. You have it or you don't. But the degree to which you have it may bear little relation to your success. There are many more factors involved. Luck, timing, personality all play a part.

If you have got talent, providing you persevere, you will find success. Don't be discouraged if your first efforts are crap. Most are. Even if you think they are brilliant! I know very few writers who don't look back on their early work with a twinge of embarrassement.

Mark Twain said ' Be prepared to write without payment for five years. If after five years no one wants to pay you, go back to chopping logs'

A touch of irony there but I'm not one for time limits. It takes as long as it takes. There are so many variables involved that you can have many near misses before your first success. But the fact that you are having near misses shows you have talent.

I've read many scripts from new writers over the years. Some are truly horrible. I mean so bad you need a gargle for your brain afterwards. Some are okay. They look like screenplays, they read like screenplays, structure is fine, they make sense. But they don't engage.

Some I've loved. Not many. But some. And that has to do with the writer grabbing me, with character and story and voice. That's nothing to do with 200 midgets on camels appearing on page 2. That's to do with talent and skill shining off the page.

The best advice I can give is to read great scripts. See how the masters do it. Read 'American Beauty' and 'Alien' and 'LA Confidential' and 'Adaptation' and a host of others. There are many web sites where you can download these. Book learning has its place for sure - but immesring yourself in great writing will pay dividends. It may well show you that you have the affinity you need.

On second thoughts....

Maybe this blog doesn't actually have magical properties. Maybe my agents invited me to lunch and set up a meeting is because in a recent conversations I mentioned I was bored.

Don't get me wrong. I've been busy. But busy doing the same work I've pretty much been doing for the last few years which is writing on serial dramas.

William Goldman wrote that if you are a screenwriter you should write something else as well. A novel, poetry, dirty limericks, anything. To keep your sanity and remind yourself you are a writer not a hack for hire. It reminds me of I think Hunter S Thompson's saying which I paraphrase as ' Writing is like sex, a lot more fun when you're not getting paid for it. You don't see many giggling whores'

Ah, moment of clarity - hence this blog perhaps? I hadn't thought of that!

Anyhoo, back to my agents. Most writers if you asked them if they were happy with their agents will shrug. ''Who is? They take 10% for basically bugger all. Every job I've had I've gotten on my own.''

Well in many cases that is probably right. But I actually like my agents. They've been in the business a loooooooong time. Any situation I come up against, they've already dealt with in the past. They know the producers to work for and the ones to avoid. The shows which are 'writer killers' and the shows that are rewarding.

And when I need a serious bitching session they are on the end of the phone making the right noises. I figure that alone is worth the 10% !

But for a new writer the most important thing about an agent is that they give you instant credibility. You are no longer relegated to the slush pile of unsolicited scripts in a corner of the producers office which they may or may not get back to sometime this year.

You come with the built in assurance that you must actually have some talent, or an agent wouldn't have taken you on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying talent = getting an agent. Many talented writers can't land an agent, for many reasons. But to busy producers the knowledge that a writer is repped is a comfort.

Same as track record is a comfort. There are some shows that you will have practically no chance of getting on if you have not had at least two or three years experience writing on other shows. Repped or not. Writing for TV is a career, and like other careers, it has to be built.

Because it is not just about writing talent. It is about surviveability. Seriously.

The ability to take notes and give them what they want in a ludicrously short turnaround period. Even if they don't really know what they want. And still be quality.

The ability to change an entire story at the drop of a hat. No matter how much you loved it. Your heart and soul went into it? Tough. That actor left /died/was arrested or that location fell through.

The ability to deal with a script editor or producer who doesn't know their arse from their elbow and not have a meltdown, but shrug and get on with it.

Track record isn't so much about what you have written, but the fact that you survived it.

One of the shows I work on occassionally had a starting core of I think around 19 writers. For various reasons many of these were new to TV writing. Talented in other fields like novels and plays. But TV not so much.

Out of those 19 I think there are 5 left. And all, bar one, are the previously experienced TV writers.

Mostly the others went back to novels and plays.

TV writing isn't for everyone.

Connectivity?

So in my previous post I wrote 'Most meetings are a pain in the arse waste of time -----Hell I've only met my agents face to face once in the last 12 months.


Today - get a call from my agents, they want to take me to lunch on Monday - and later another call that they've set up a meeting with a big prodco in, you've guessed it, Soho.

Now bearing in mind the few meetings I go to and few times I see my agents, I'm begining to think - and I may be wrong - that this blog has magical powers.

The more I think about it the more convinced I am right. I will put it to the test

Speilberg
Disney
Fox
Weinstein
Rudin
Scorcese
National Lottery
St Pancras Hall of Residence for single Nurses.


I will expect a phone call shortly from one or all the above.