Reality Check

I'm confused. I came into the room and my son was watching some tosh about picking Joe Public off the street to play Joe and his Amazing thingy. I swiftly left. Twenty minutes later I came back in and heard them singing songs from Grease. And I didn't recognise the same judges. Obviously this is a novel twist on reality shows. Vote for the judges? I'm assuming that was what it was because it surely couldn't have been that the two major channels had virtually identically formatted reality shows on at the same time. Could they?

Oh dear. Of course who can blame the networks as long as those phone lines keep ringing and making the programmes self financing. A bit like those £1.80 phonecalls to GMTV competitions. Does no one realise that web voting is free?

Did anyone watch the C4 programme about 2 journalists starving themselves to death? What was it Hero to Zero or something? There was definitely a zero in it somewhere. Possibly the viewing figures. As an antidote I saw C4 trail a doc about a really fat guy standing outside MacDonalds with a sign saying I'm The Burger King. So at least no bias there as far as the weight issue is concerned.

Thank goodness the next season of Strictly Come Dancing on Castaway Idol on Ice will be back soon.

Writing is like sex

A lot less fun when you're being paid for it and .......youth has the energy but age has the experience. Write what you know is a well worn adage but still true. And it stands to reason by the law of averages that an older person has ''lived'' more emotional situations that they can draw upon, even if just by dint of being longer on the planet.

You hear a lot that writing is a young persons game, and maybe that's true in some areas, ''yooof'' movies and TV maybe? But it is not a prejudice I've ever encountered. I have probably worked with upwards of 60 0r 70 writers on various shows and by far the vast majority were in their thirties and forties. In fact there were easily more at 55 than 25.

Probably the major reason for this is that it generally takes a long time to break in. So most are in their late twenties before they start to make any headway at all. I read the other day that one of the writers on the BBC Academy thingy is in her forties. And I'm not surprised. Personal experience brought to bear on a scene gives it that ring of emotional truth rather than hackneyed cliche or best guess.

So for all you oldies out there [like me] it is never too late. And remember there is always Viagara!

Get On The Bus, Jonathan

If you can get a hold of this book then buy it. It's a work of genius by Tony Mulholland. If you want to know what it's like to be a pro writer in the UK then this nails it. Essentially it is a series of ''fictitious'' emails from a writer to producers, agents, friends and lovers and it is hilarious , poingnent and absolutely true.

Ace producer friend gave it to me to read but it may be available on Amazon or www.lulu.com

I'm not a shill by the way. I really did love this.

A refreshing change

Had lunch today with a producer and heard music to my ears. Not work unfortunately, not yet anyway, but her plans blew me away. I've known her for a few years and she is sharp as a tack and very writer supportive. In fact she's marrying one soon.

So she and hubby to be have set up a prodco with a view to - and here's the kicker - giving writers the benefits of having their own prodco but without the headaches of running one! Holy fucking Jesus. That's right. A say in casting, director, editing, and - a large chunk of the back end. She's also bringing a tough motherfucker agent on board to negotiate it into any deals.

She reckons the pyramid is inverted in the current system. Creatives should be at the top and production underneath supporting them. I have appealed for her Sainthood.

Will it work? Who knows? But I admire her bollocks. So much so I'm waiving any option fee. That kind of attitude needs all the support it can get.

I'm warming you!

If I see many more news stories or drama docs or movies on Global Warming I'm going to throw up. I'm sick of them. And judging by BBC 1's lowest ever Sunday ratings so are a lot of other people.

Not really the fault of the TV and Movie makers. The current fare was probably commissioned when it was the zeitgeist. Heck politicians were racing each other [usually by air or motorcade] to proclaim their green credentials.

But now it's getting to the stage where you watch the news and everything from coffee drinking to having a crap are somehow then linked to your 'carbon footprint' God I HATE that phrase.

I feel like I did with my ex-wife ' Pardon me for fucking breathing!'

Anyway, from now on, anything looking remotely like a green related programme will get no eye space chez ED. Not very PC admittedly. But PC is anathema to writers who want to challenge rather than report. Big up for Rowan Joffe for his upcoming Paedophile drama told from the point of view of the paedophile and to C4 for commissioning it. Don't know if it's good or not but I admire the bollocks.

Writers write

You know it is true. It is something inside you that forces it's way past domestic problems and professional problems and heck even the geo-political problems that you face in your daily life.

You have to write.

And that is your starting point. Then you have to learn the art. The bad news is that you will never stop learning the art. The good news is that you will never stop learning the art.

By the art, I simply mean what works. What blends together in character and story and pace and tone and action and dialogue to give that magical mixture that really comes alive on screen and holds an audience spellbound. Okay maybe not so simple. And nothing that can be worked out with a formula despite the contentions of the gurus.

Book learning is fine up to a certain point. It's how I started. It gives you the basics and that is a good thing. It means you have made the effort to present a script in a professional manner. But unless you have that inner drive to write no matter what, book learning is like the guy who studied Medicine because he thought doctors scored with hot nurses.

If it's not in you when you write , it won't be on the page when it's read.

It's who you know.

Isn't it? I've worked on shows where a friend of a friend of the producer got a writing gig when there was a stack of great specs sitting on the desk. Wankers.

But here's the dirty little secret. if you want a career, it isn't who you know, it is what you write. Because all the 'important' people you know will come about because they love what you write. If you can't write worth a damn then you are soon found out. I worked on a show where the new exec producer brought her sister on as a writer. Handed her the Christmas ep as her first commission. It was a train wreck of a script. I know because I had to re-write it . Exec producer was sacked by that time. Who you know might get you an in. Staying in requires a lot more.

Networking is one of the most important aspects of this industry, but you can never forget that you have to back that up with product. If you are related to, sleeping with or have incriminating photos of producers then that might get you one shot. But to have an actual Gods honest career you have to build up contacts who know and trust you. That means showing them you have talent. And you can't fake that. No producer is going to hire you just because you are a nice guy. It helps. But if you don't perform you are out like K-fed or that C4 womens Sumo wrestling programme. What happened to that by the way? Anybody?

The Neverending Story

Thought I would post a little about what it's like writing for episodic TV. I'd been told to expect notes on a draft all week. Today I was supposed to be having lunch with gorgeous blonde. Hopefully followed by rampant rumpy. But I got notes late last night with a deadline for 3 o'clock today.

The notes weren't good. They showed a complete lack of understanding of pace, tone and character motivation. Given the time constraints I blew off gorgeous blonde to get the script done, and handed in the best job I could out of the piece of crap I had been handed.

Half an hour later I get a call saying an entire story strand is being inserted over 12 eps. Two of which I have written and one of which is the one I've just delivered at 3 o'clock. Kinda makes you wonder why there was such a big rush to turn in that draft overnight?

Kinda makes me pissed off I blew gorgeous blonde off to do it.

But that is the nature of the beast. The schedule rules. A mate of mine and I worked out today that on a particular show we both write on there is about six weeks between commission and the script going into production. Fuck knows what production do for the next 3 months. But out of that six weeks the writers have about ten to twelve days of actual writing. The rest is waiting for notes.

And here's why. Very few people in this business understand writing. They understand timetables and schedules and deadlines and have career ladders to climb. That's a difficult thing to do when you have no discernable creative talent. But that it what you as a writer have to deal with. And I mean that seriously. I pray for the time when non arsey writers get together in a writers room and create magic. The BBC should be doing it now. ITV should have been doing it years ago.

What's the big idea?

Not a bad day on the golf course. And as expected an idea popped into my head. Okay granted it had no relevence whatsoever to the brief I was supposed to be thinking about, but what the heck, I'll take it.

Because for me, good ideas are the hardest part of writing. I mean good ideas as opposed to the brain farts I get quite regularly that get me all excited for a few hours until the fatal flaw in the concept finally hits me. Because good ideas are about as rare as a bacon roll in Baghdad. And any writer who tells you they are constantly coming up with great ideas is either a liar or deluded.

Now comes the other hard part, translating that basic idea into a workable and fresh story, and even more importantly, one that I passionately want to write. I might get a couple of days or weeks in and then decide that passion isn't there. In which case I'll stop and move on to something else. It's a one night stand rather than marriage material. No passion going in means no passion on the page. And at the risk of setting off a semantic argument, to me, that passion translates into that elusive ''voice''.

And that voice can be the difference between that script moving up the chain and getting you attention and sales, or being an also ran. Think about the last time you saw something that was truly original, a one off mind blowing script concept. Pretty hard. Being John Malkovitch maybe?

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang was essentially just a who dunnit. But the voice was clearly Shane Black and there were some neat touches. But wildly original? Not really. And if it was wildly original would have had difficulty in getting made. The mainstream film game, and TV to a large extent requires ''the same'' but ''different''. They don't want to scare an audience off with something they just don't get. There is way too much money involved.

Look at the latest big ITV commission. 50 eps of The Royal Today. Which is a spin off of The Royal, which is a spin off of Heartbeat. Not a whole heck of originality there. Holby Blue will be hitting the screens shortly which is a spin off from Holby which is a spin off from Casualty. Torchwood and Sara Jane are spin offs from Doctor Who. City Lights is a spin off from Northern Lights. The Green Green Grass is a spin off from ....... Christ, anytime now I expect to see The Adventures of Friar Tuck being bandied about as a possible series. Or how about Last of the Summer Wine - The Early Years? [Dammit I shouldn't have said that - get ready for Compo and Clegg with 50's quiffs and brothel creepers, perfect Sunday night viewing] And don't get me started on movie sequels and prequels.For a lot of execs familiarity breeds content.

So a good idea doesn't necessarily have to be something we have never seen anything like before, though kudos if you manage it. A buddy cop movie is always a buddy cop movie. But with originality in the actual writing and characterisation and a good dose of passion your script has a much greater chance of success.

Spike

I've noticed a significant increase in traffic on this blog today. I don't recall talking about free sex, teenagers go wild or big n' bouncy so I'm presuming I've been linked to a much more popular site rather than it being random searches.

If so, my thanks and I hope that any new readers get something from it. And feel free to ask any questions.

Life without the boring bits

.........Is one of the best descriptions I've heard about soap. And say what you like, Corrie got a 50.2 share last night for the trial of Tracy Barlow.

A lot of writers turn their nose up at soap - or serial drama as the execs prefer to call it, soap paradoxically becoming a dirty word.

But the figures speak for themselves and while they do, any writer who slanders soap in front of a network exec is not likely to get a Christmas card.

And here's the truth - soap is damned hard to write! Think about it, it eats up story like like a machine. You have maybe thirty characters you have to know inside out, each one some viewers favourite, the time pressures are enormous, stories can change several times through the drafts, and the level of interference/collaboration by others is a constant challenge.

The best soaps pull it all together really well. Production needs versus creativity and the right balance of plot, story, humour and drama. And that's why they can get a 50.2 share. And it's damned hard work.

Without wishing to offend anyone's tastes I think Corrie is probably the most loved of the UK soaps because they most often get that balance right. And I think that is largely because the writing team on Corrie have a large degree of influence. For example I flicked over to an ep of EastEnders the other night. Five seconds in a teenage girl came out with a line that was so jarringly incongruous that I flicked away again. I don't actually believe a writer wrote that line. I think it had to be a script ed or producer. And from what I hear about the power of the writing team I don't think that would happen on Corrie.

And that is one of the main reasons why soap writing is hard. The characters are well known and have been loved/hated by the viewers sometimes over many years. One slip in characterisation and the viewer is scratching their head. They don't care if it was an overnight re-write because a story strand disappeared due to an actor being arrested for kiddie fiddling. You screwed up and ruined their night's viewing. Soap requires a combination of fleetness of foot and deftness of touch from everyone involved. Not an easy thing to do when you are on 4 or 5 nights a week.

And who are some of the biggest hitters on UK TV right now? Paul Abbot, Tony Jordan, Jimmy McGovern, Ashley Pharoh. All ex soap writers. It's not everyone's cup of tea but it's one heck of a training ground and introduction to the realities of TV.

The Brief

So I've just been sent a brief for a series of single dramas. Basically briefs can be very prescriptive or very open in that stories have to be either be tailored to a specific theme or about whatever you want. Both have their problems.

A very prescriptive brief might be a turn off straight away because you have no affinity with the subject matter. A very open brief can leave you floundering as to tone and content.
This one is very open. It basically requires ''big ideas and themes'' - but looking at the budget, not all that big! I kid - big ideas and themes are not necessarily expensive - but it means my ''Moby Dick in Space'' is probably a non starter.

So I'm going to play golf. A lot of people will say that writing is more perspiration than inspiration. And that is true while you are in script. But while I'm trying to create something new I find time away from the computer much more productive than sitting staring at a blank screen. In fact some of my best ideas have come when I'm in the shower. Don't know why, it just happens that way.

I have a few days free so I'm just going to be idle and let the ideas come when they want to. [I should mention that none of my existing ideas quite fit this brief, otherwise they'd be going in pronto]

This way doesn't work for everyone, but it's what I've always done and don't feel the need to change. Actually I've done it once, for a police procedural set in Manchester. It was a rush job and I didn't have the luxury of time. So I sat down with pen and paper and forced out a story that involved Manchester's gay villiage. I thought it was pretty good, lots of twists and red herrings and sent it off thinking it was a shoe in. I was told it was too gay! Don't suppose they could really have put that in the brief!

Breaking in and staying in

There's been a lot of interesting chatter here recently, my thanks to those who participated. Here's the skinny on what it take to be a pro writer after you get your first gig.
You will work with people who neither understand drama or realise what it takes to write good drama. You will also work with people who do. They will be in the minority. But in order to continue working you have to satisfy both parties.

I'm working on a show right now where I have a baby script ed who has had no training and a producer who thinks tears and snotters = drama. So what do I do? Well, I argue the points to just before I lose my temper, always the best place to stop, and then when I'm faced with ''if you don't cut that scene we will''
Well, no I didn't. They can cut it but I won't. I've been in this game long enough to know what works and what doesn't. I know enough to know I'm dealing with people who don't really understand what they are doing.
And that is a major part of being a pro writer. Know which battles to pick. I will lose this battle. This draft. But I made my feelings known. I'll write the draft they want and it will be shit. Third draft they will realise it is shit. And I'll write a good 3rd draft. Annoying but par for the course.

You always have to remember that the way things are set up in the UK, producers and script eds can have no idea what the writing process is about. Unlike the writer rooms in other tv cultures for most producers here writing is another country.

Don't give up the day job

In response to Jaded's questions in previous post.

Under no circumstances would I advise anyone to give up a job to try to start a career in screenwriting. Unless perhaps you get on the new BBC Writer's Academy where at least you are guaranteed a year of work.

Building a career does take years in the vast majority of cases. So write in your spare time and don't even consider giving up your job until you see a steady stream of commissions coming in. Even then think hard about it. You will have no regular pay cheque and no job security. It isn't for everyone.

A career involves making contacts, proving you can do the job and a large slice of luck. Mainly being in the right place at the right time with the right script. It takes talent and pereseverence and business sense. And while you are starting out the commissions will be thin on the ground. TV is a specialised and expensive business and many Producers are loathe to use brand new writers on their shows because mistakes can cost many thousands of pounds as well as screw up the shooting schedule.

No one can actually say 'I'm going to be a pro writer' It's not like being an accountant where you pass a few exams and off you go. Talent does play a large part but there are many other factors. There are lots of talented writers out there who don't have careers. There are simply no guarantees.

You can shorten the odds a little if you snag a good agent, and I think that's the way to go if you can. But remember, lots of people think they can write. I could give a long list of editors, directors and even an exec producer who decided writing was easy peasy and that would be their new career. With one exception they have returned to their own jobs and the sanctuary of the monthly pay cheque. It is TOUGH out there. And that is what you have to be prepared for. Make sure you have the talent for it. Then dip your toe in the water to see if you have the skills needed and the personality for it. Then and only then, have a think about whether you want to try to make a career out of it.

Would I do it again knowing what I know now? Probably, I'm fit for nothing else.

Hurry up and wait

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that the time taken for prodco's to get back to you after submitting seems to be getting longer and longer? I realised last week that I'd had a meeting with a major prodco in December and at their request sent them two- sheets on three projects. Hadn't heard a dicky! E-mailed them a polite reminder and never even got that acknowledged?????

So I had a word with my agent to see what else I had out there and how long it had been out. It would appear that it's taking at least two months to get a response from anyone! And that is quick compared to some of them. Okay I have my little circle of producers who know me quite well and get back quickly but the rest? Sheeeesh!

Actually, having thought about it I was invited to submit some sample scenes of a show way back at the end of January. This with a view to a writing gig on the show. I was told it was a rush job and could I get it done over the weekend. I duly did. Guess what? About a week ago my agent queried. They haven't read all the samples yet. So much for the rush job. So what they have is a sample written over a weekend rather than a week. Could have made all the difference.

Should this gig work out it will be quite a commitment. By the time they finally decide, will I still be available? I hope not. Because the complete lack of information and disregarding of the working writers' need to schedule doesn't exactly fill me with optimism that these will be swell people to work for.

Then again on a show I'm writing for now I've just waited nearly 3 weeks for 1st draft notes. Three times as long as it took me to write the fucking thing. No doubt I'll get them just in time to ruin my weekend - again. Okay maybe I'm a grumpy old man, but at my time of life I don't have time to hurry up and wait.

So, in future Mr Producer if you don't get back to me in six weeks maximum you are off my Christmas Card list. Tinkerty Tonk! And I mean that to sting.

The Salesman

I met an old Uni pal last week, just before a lurgie struck me down. He was in town for a couple of days from Chigago. Also present was another old friend of his who he invited along. Nice guy, really liked him. About six pints of Stella in, I realised why Al had thought it would be a good idea to get us all together. Aren't Americans just great at networking? See, his other friend was a wannabe writer! Joy of joys an evening vomiting up information like a drunken penguin to a bulimic chick. Does life get any sweeter?

If I was told before hand I was expected to give sage like advice I would definitely not have gone on to shorts! But to be honest even if I was capable, no sage like advice was needed. Because it was the same old littany. '' Everyone says I write great stuff, but whenever I try to get it to producers I get a straight knock back or never hear from them again''

So I asked a couple of pertinent questions. Who ish everyone? and Gimmee a shample ov yer pitch to produshers? Remember I'd had a few beverages by this time.

Okay, everyone was a few mates and some dubious guy who had written an episode of Doctors and charged him £50 for the privallege of reading a script and telling him how good he was. But had any real industry pros ever read any of his work? By real I mean those at the sharp end, the ones making real decisions. No they hadn't. Because what he failed to realise is that there are two hugely different but very much connected sides to being a writer. Writing and selling.

By selling I don't mean the magical mega buck deal. I mean selling the read. Because make no mistake, as a new writer, selling the read is hard! I asked him how he went about it. he looked a little flummoxed. ''Well, I tell them I'm a marketing manager with Blob, I've been writing for 5 years and this is my 8th script. My ambition is to become a pro writer and...........'''

Whoa, whoa, whoa, .................I'm already half asleep and this is a mate of a mate. And a frickin' marketing manager! Physician, heal thyself!

If I told this guy how many scripts and queries producers wade through in a week he'd crap his pants! They would probably not get past that first sentence. BORING. Who cares who you are, what you do or what your ambition is? What is the frickon story!!!!!!!! First last and always.

If your querie isn't sharp, erudite and grabbing, then the probability is the script you are pitching is probably in the same vein. No need to read further.

Let your log line do the talking. Just make sure it's a damn good one. Like a good scene, your querie comes in as late as possible and out as early as possible. Don't clog it up with fluff. You are battling against hundreds of others, most of them just circling the drain before they give up, but the few who get a read at least have a chance. You need to be in that few.

It's a buyers market, make sure you are a good salesman.

Those who can, do

Those who can't........well they just can't. You know the one thing that REALLY ticks me off about writing scripts. It's not the fact that any episode I write might possibly be savaged by an editor wearing boxing gloves, or a director just going through the motions, or a producer giving crazed notes I have to try to incorporate.

Nope, none of the above. Those are just run of the mill occupational hazzards.

What brings the red mist down, especially as by that stage there is nothing I can do to remedy it, is when someone - script editor, director, whomever, decides that they'll add a couple of lines of dialogue here and there and that dialogue sucks farts from swans.

See, in the main, the audience in general doesn't really notice lazy direction or editing, but they definitely do notice teeth grating dialogue, and just a couple of lines of nail down a blackboard stuff can do a heck of a lot of harm, especially if the actors deliver it like Pinnochio on mogadon. It instantly takes them out of story. Pretty much the last thing you want to happen.

I don't have a standard PACT contract handy, but from memory it pretty much says that the writer has first dibs on any substantial revision to the script subject to any time constraints.

Two get-out clauses right there. Try arguing that a couple of lines of dialogue is substantial? You'll get blank stares. An entire strand? Sorry, time constraints.

The thing is some people can write good dialogue. That's one of the reasons why they're pro writers. It's actually one of the minor reasons, but still a whole hell of a lot more important than some Klutz with a tin ear sticking their two cents in.

But they have THE POWER to do that. And it's something you've pretty much got to live with. I'd say that if something I write ends up on screen as something like 70% of the way I wrote and envisaged it then I'm happy. So long as the none of the other 30% did actual harm. But it takes so little to do actual harm, and that is something a lot of non writers in the industry who are concentrating on line production aren't aware of.

Tagged

Potdoll has tagged me. I'm computer illiterate and don't really know what that means but I gather I'm to tell 5 things not many people know about me. Oh well why the heck not.

1. I spent a night in a jail cell in Nigeria for insulting the State.

2. I have a degree in accountancy

3. I killed a sheep on a golf course when my drive smacked it right between the eyes.

4. I once played naked football in Amsterdam

5. A couple I met in a bar in Providence R.I invited me back to their place for what turned out to be a swingers party. I ate, drank and left, as opposed to eats, shoots and leaves.

What happens now? Do I tag someone and if so how? Told you I was dumb.

Flexibility

In the course of a writing career you come across many different kinds of producers and script editors. Some good, some not so good. But when you're struggling up the ranks the best piece of advice I can give is shut up and keep your head down. Yes there are writers who simply won't work with script editors or tell them to shove their notes where the sun don't shine. But they are craggy wizened veterans who have been at the top of the tree for some time.

When you are trying to forge a career, you have to take it on the chin. Adapt to the different personalities you have to deal with and find the best way of getting your way without antagonizong anyone. Remember that when you have made it you can spit in their eye if necessary, but until then, cool your jets. Unless you've explored every avenue and it still transpires the guy's a moron.

I've worked with good and bad. That's a very loose definition, because good can either mean someone who pretty much leaves you alone to get on with it or someone who gives great constructive notes that really help the script. Bad can mean someone who keeps you in the dark or gives notes that aren't worth the paper they've been wiped on.

I wrote a few episodes of a very popular medical show set in a hospital. Not much of a clue there! I mean this was prime time drama, so you'd think the people there would be shit hot yes? Most of them were. But if you get the one that isn't then God help you.

I was new to the show and didn't want to make any waves, but this guy I secretly christened Mr Good Luck. Every time he phoned he would say something like ''the producer wants more energy in the mid section, I'm not sure what he means and I'm not sure how you'll do it but good luck.''

Nice guy but as a script editor about as much use as the Pope's bollocks. I said nothing and tried to do the best job I could. That meant phoning the producer on a Saturday to try and get some sense for a Monday deadline. Producer wasn't pleased. I didn't write another episode.

I later found out that a craggy wizened writer had the same script editor. She told them ''either I get a new script editor or I walk''

So.......should I have said something? It's a tormenting question. I was very new to the show, and you've always got to remember that people move on. As a new writer on the show causing a fuss, that ''reputation'' can quickly spread.

On balance I'd say it's best just to suck it up. Getting canned is an occupational hazzard that can happen for a number of reasons, but what is perceived as a bad attitude can stall a career before you get the chance to stick it back to them.

Starting out it's like a young David Beckham polishing Gary Neville's boots. Thank you sir, can I have another!

More LA Stories

Going away for a few days - and yes it is work, nothing to do with gorgeous blonde. Unfortunately.

In an earler LA post I mentioned Steve, a customer at the car wash. He owned a ''no credit card required'' car rental business and a lot of his customers were porn stars, many of whom didn't have bank accounts for various reasons. He vastly overcharged them on the basis that he had to steam clean the seats when the cars were returned. I didn't ask why.

LA is a place where you can bump into anyone. I saw Mel Gibson buying bagels on 3rd street. So there you go, that puts paid to all that anti semetic stuff. Just before I left for the states I had seen a documentary with he and Clive James and he seemed like an okay guy. He told a story about how crazy the business was. He had been on a chat show promoting some movie, and as he walked off someone from the studio audience rushed at him with a script in hand shouting it was perfect for him. Audience member was quickly bundled out by security.

Anyway, back to Steve. To put it mildly, it is odd to see a white guy working in a car wash in LA, and as it was the one Steve used for his fleet we struck up an acquaintance. Who was I? What was I doing here, etc. When he found out I was a writer and had read for some big companies he asked me to take a look at his friend's script. I still remember the title . The Rocking Horse Soldier, which I think is not a bad title.

I looked at it and it was ...........meh to be truthful, not that great. No real voice, dull story. In reader speak ''dramatic situations not exploited to their full potential''

I gave him my notes, couched as diplomatically as possible and he said he'd pass them on. But then what he said really tickled me. ''We wanted Mel Gibson for the lead. Almost got the script to him at a chat show he was on but those security fucktards got in our way''

And that's LA.