Friday, September 07, 2007

A newbie writer

There are different kinds of newbie writer. And believe me, I don't use newbie in a perjorative sense. Because I know many ''newbie'' writers have much more talent than some of the old hacks dotting about. Myself very much included.

But back to the different kinds of newbie. There are those with talent and business savvy. There are those with raw talent and no business savvy, there are those with business savvy but not so much talent, and there are those with no talent. There are a few more catagories but that about covers it.

Here's one of the junk mails I recently received.

Bill & Exchange ManagerMR SALAM YUSUF & DR AHMED KARIMAUDITING AND ACCOUNTING OFFICER. FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT. (BIB) BANK OF AFRICAN OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO. My private telephone number 00226-70-39-86-89 My private email ( ) All the pleasure is for me to write this message to you in order to request your invaluable partnership for the realization of a very important business which must be treated in greatest discretion. I consequently ask you to take note, without you to astonish by the choice which I carry on your person by seizing this happy opportunity to make contact of you. I ask you from the start to excuse yourselves for all the nuisances which my mail could have caused you. But same if we do not know each other personally and that we never meet, I believe firmly that a true confidence can be born from our communication and this support a true partnership between you and me. I am officer in-charge of auditing and accounting in bank of Africa in the foreign remittance department here in Burkina Faso, I have be working in this banking institution for more than 11years. The late customer MR ANDREAS SCHRAMMER was appointed ambassador to New York in 1993 to 1999; and a Minister for businesses and foreign affair in its country. He was a member influencing in the mediation of the relations between the United States and Iraq in the years 1980. It found death on Friday July 5, 2003 at New York in the centre commemorative of cancer of Sloan-Kettering of the continuation of a crisis cardiac. During my investigation in the bank I discover that the deceased customer deposited the sum of $49,850,000 dollar (forty nine million eight hundred an fifty thousand dollars) And I notice in the file that during the deposition of this money with the bank he did not indicate is true next of kin to the board of directors in is paper work with the bank of Africa, after all intensive routing investigation I find out that no body have ever come to put claim for the released of this money. It is upon this I am now seizing the privilege and opportunity to contact you as to apply to the bank as a relative to the deceased customer. As a foreign partner which this money will be transfer into you account, you are entitle to 40% of the total money why 55% will be for me as the moderator of this transaction and 5% is been mapped out for measeallanouse expenditure that may be incur during the course of this transaction. I will urge you to go through this proposal properly and let me know if you are willing to accord me this assistance for us to achieved this golden opportunity for the betterment of our life, I also want to let you know that this transaction is 100% risk free there is nothing for you to be afraid off, all loophole have been properly taking care before contacting you. Anxiously waiting for your prompt response ro your call TEL 00226 -70-39-86-89 . My private email ( )Thanks and God bless .Bill & Exchange ManagerMR SALAM YUSUF & DR AHMED KARIM

This guy is a newbie in the worst possible way. Everything he writes shows an incredible lack of understanding of motivation and story and scene building. He has one hook. Which is if you are really stupid your greed will make you respond. He may hit on some Alzheimers sufferers and make a few bucks. But long term? As a career? Nah. Opportunists make a quick buck, careerists care about what they do.


Jon Peacey said...

A bloke has just had a book published called 'Greetings in Jesus Name! The Scambaiter Letters'. The author got sick of such emails and started to reply with his own demands if the emailer wanted his cash and the scammers happily obliged: such as sending photos of themselves holding a placard stating 'I felch wombats for Chalie Manson' (amongst others), getting them to copy out the whole of Lord of The Rings by hand, doing large wood-carvings and mailing them and so on. I know of this book only by repute but it amused me. He kept baiting them for 5 years.

jonny terrific said...

And yet someone could option that stream of fraudulent idiocy, commission a script, and end up with a pretty good story! They say it's hard to make a movie from a great book; and much easier to make a great movie from a bad book. How about an Oscar winner from a pisspoor stream of spam? I say let's go for it.

English Dave said...

lol that's not a bad idea jonny

Phill Barron said...

Just got this one today:

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Alfred Atkins, an executive staff of a bank
in Scotland, UK. I wish to make a transfer involving a
huge amount to a designated bank account of your
choice. For your support(morally, financially etc.),
you will have 45% share of the total amount after
concluding the transfer. Kindly reply me at, and call at +447783708297
stating your interest, and I shall send you the
details and necessary proceedure with which to make
the transfer. I anxiously await your response.

Mr. Atkins

Which I feel is really special - an executive from a bank in Scotland, not a particular bank, just a bank, and he wants to give me money!

English Dave said...

Alfred Atkins - so evocative of the rolling glens, clan system and banks of heather!
Aha! see how he's trying to get you?