Celebrity Big Brother

/Shuffles feet, looks shamefaced.

You know what? I'm actually enjoying this. Well....enough to flick round to the highlights programme when the BBC News gets boring.

The cast of characters reminds me of the best disaster movies. Jade Goody and her pre-pubescent boyfriend what's his face. I mean.....you sit and watch with a mixture of horror and entertainment at their sheer level of ignorance.

Big Brother asked them both 'What question have you always wanted to know the answer to?' Jade wondered why Eskimos don't turn into ice cubes because its so cold where they live. She pointed out that she originally thought Eskimos lived in Antartica, but her boyfriend, what's his face, had told her that was nonesense. There's nothing in Antartica, just water.

She had several ancilliary questions like where do Eskimos go when they die because there's no grass to bury them under and finished off with a heartfelt plea for any Eskimos out there to contact her when she got out so she could quiz them for ten minutes. Though I might shudder at the naivety I've got to applaud the thirst for knowledge.

What's his face had a slightly more intelligent question. 'Why do men have nipples' He did let himself down a little when the answer came back that for the first six weeks the embryo is entirely female. To which he replied ' What's an envyo?'

One can only shake one's head in wonder and pray that nimmos like these are not representive of some great underclass of morons waiting in the wings to inherit the Earth. Willed to them by Hello magazine.


Face from the A Team clearly has the hots for Smeeta Smitten, Indian sex kitten. But she is set fair on marrying a nice Hindu boy. Watch this space. Face from the A team aways gets the girl in the end. It's Hollywood V Bollywood. Two falls, a submission or a knockout required.

Little Leo Sayer turned out to be severely in need of a high dosage of Ritalin. He finally got his knickers in a twist about washing his pants and busted outta there!

WAG girl, is it Danielle? Is pretty much Jade Goody with nicer tits. Well....nicer everything really. I'm still not sure if shagging a football player elevates one to celebrity status but I'll go with the flow on that one.

Is Jo from S Club 7 a lesbian? I don't know, but waiting to find out is about the most interesting thing about her.

Jermaine Jackson, he seems like a really nice, well adjusted guy. And that in itself is a revelation given the antics of some of his other family members. Comedy highlight must have been little Leo Sayer bragging to him about his two US number ones. Jermaine just smiling and nodding benevolently.

Who else? Oh, H from Steps who 'came out' before he went in. Was anyone surprised? Seems a nice enough young chap.

Cleo Rocas who used to be on the Kenney Everett show. She's assuming the Yummy Mummy role. But really, deep down you know she didn't get lips like those sucking oranges. If anyone can shag H straight it'll be her.

If I've forgotten anybody ...well who cares.

It's The Towering Inferno, Airport 77 and The Poseidon Adventure all rolled into one. But ....without the tower or the plane or the boat. Or anything much of any interest really. But it's a hell of a lot cheaper to make.

I'm just off to write my new drama series about a reality show with celebrities locked in a house. The twist is, they're all dead and it's celebrity purgatory.

Now, that's GOT to be a hit.